If Only . . .

If only I’d had more confidence at a younger age. I was unsure of myself, and possibly, rightly so when you consider the big dreams I had and the small town where those dreams began.

My father was a dentist and my mother was a registered nurse who gave up her nursing career to raise five children and take care of her husband and the home. My parents really wanted me to go to college, at the very least, to have something to fall back on.

“You need to have something to fall back on. A college degree is necessary,” they would chime in together.

“But I know what I want to do with my life,” I said. “Isn’t that what people go to college for? To figure out what they want to do with their life?”

“But they get a degree that way,” my parents would say, “and they can do anything with that degree.”

“Well, I don’t need a college degree for the work I want to do,” I responded stubbornly.

Or I should say, clearly, because I was very clear about what I wanted to do. It wasn’t about becoming a star or gaining fame, it was about becoming a working actress. I wanted to make a living doing what I loved. After all, hadn’t my dad taught me, “do what you love and the money will follow.” I wasn’t worried about the money. I wanted to work. In big projects with good actors.

So, my parents helped me. Dad gave me financial support and mom took me to Chicago for a regional audition for the American Academy of Dramatic Arts in New York City. I did two monologues, one comic and one dramatic, and was accepted immediately on the spot. The man who I auditioned for followed me out of the room and said to my mother, with a knowing and concerned parental look, “You have a very talented daughter, but you know what this means?”

Freedom, and the beginning of living my dream, is what it meant for me. My mother would say, over the years when she saw me struggling, “If only your father and I were in show business and we could help you more.” But I was content to make my own way.

In the 1980’s I would have a minimum of twelve national television commercials on the air. That meant I was being paid for Class A National Usage, and that in my early twenties I was making a six figure income. Still, I had bigger dreams, and felt myself frustrated in the midst of monetary success. I had never thought about doing television commercials or soap operas. My dreams had been theatre and films. But New York City was an expensive place to live and a tough nut to crack.

If only I was able to get the work I really wanted. If only I was taller, prettier, leaner. If only I came out of the acting departments at Harvard or Yale. If only I didn’t get so nervous when I was auditioning for a part I really wanted. If only I didn’t want it so badly. If only my agent would get me out on better roles in bigger & better projects. If only was going to kill me if I didn’t stop thinking about it.

And, if only would change over the years. Living in LA, it was if only I was bulemic or ultra thin with long lean legs and large breasts. If only I had Broadway theatre credits instead of off-Broadway credits. If only I had a better agent. If only I had an amazing manager and publicist. If only someone would take me under their wing and help me have the career I’d always dreamed of. If only was making me really tired.